


I’m Afraid Of Pain (Both Yours And Mine)

by PeachGlitch



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018)
Genre: Acceptance, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort, Complicated Relationships, Domestic Fluff, Enemies to Lovers, Established Relationship, F/F, Family Feels, Fluff, Kissing, Mild Smut, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Pillow Talk, Post-Caligari Spell (Chilling Adventures of Sabrina), Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, Self-Doubt, Talking, Triggers, supportive family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:13:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26276194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeachGlitch/pseuds/PeachGlitch
Summary: Zelda and Lilith try to deal with their past trauma together.
Relationships: Hilda Spellman & Zelda Spellman, Zelda Spellman/Mary Wardwell | Madam Satan | Lilith
Comments: 60
Kudos: 164





	1. These Fragile Moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zelda is unexpectedly triggered during a moment of passion with Lilith. Which leads to a conversation about her marriage to Faustus.

_There’s a weight above her that she can’t shift, no matter how much her mind screams at her to do something. She feels as if she’s floating in a vast ocean, with nothing to ground her. Claw like fingernails dig into the skin around her wrists painfully, as she tries her hardest to will herself to move. Nothing happens though, even when she feels a familiar sting between her legs, and hears a grotesque grunt near her ear. Her body is listless, but he doesn’t seem to care. Concerned only by his own gratification, as he moves in and out of her, as if she was just a doll. Which she practically was now. From her floral dresses, to the high pitched way she spoke. She existed for no other purpose than to be a perfect step ford wife. If she could vomit, she would. She promises herself that if she is not freed from this curse, then she will at least find a way of escaping it. Even if meant throwing herself off the nearest balcony, or more than likely, by starving to death due to Faustus’s negligence._

_“Mmm Zelda.” He groans, and she can’t stand it. His movements become frantic, the nails around her wrist, draw blood, but not enough to end her agony. “Zel-_

_She suddenly feels submerged under water, and chokes as she desperately gasps for breath._

“ **Stop**.” The word tumbles out, before Zelda even realises she’s said it out loud.

The warm body above hers freezes. Lilith’s lips which moments ago had been latched just above Zelda’s collar bone pulls away immediately. All of a sudden she’s faced with a pair of concerned blue eyes, and it all feels like too much. Reality hits her like a moving train. She wasn’t where she thought she was. She was safe, she was in her own bedroom, and she was with Lilith. She was _safe_ , she reminds herself again like a mantra.

“Darling?” The term of endearment comes out as a question. One that Zelda isn’t sure she wants to answer.

Everything had been fine. They’d argued over something inconsequential, as always. Which had turned into them kissing in the kitchen, until Zelda had the sense of mind to move things upstairs. The last thing she needed was one of her family members walking in on her kissing their former enemy in the middle of the day. She’d insisted, against much protest from the other woman, that they needed to keep their relationship a secret. After all the turmoil over the last few months, the new church of Hecate, needed more than anything, stability. A sense of structure, which Zelda was desperate to provide as High Priestess. Not just for her family, but the entire Coven. Many of whom, such as Elsbeth and Prudence had become like surrogate daughters to her. Her overwhelming need to not disappoint them somehow, overrides her personal happiness.

This was not the appropriate time to reveal to everyone that she was seeing on a regular basis, the ex queen of Hell herself. In her mind it would be chaos, even though no one was threatened by the brunette any longer. Lilith was forgiven by all, after helping them defeat The Pagan’s. Sabrina even held her in high regard, but even her niece’s approval wasn’t enough to shake off her self doubt. In Zelda’s eyes Lilith was still somewhat of a wild card, and that did not change, no matter how reluctantly fond she now was of the woman.

Zelda feels the mattress shift. Lilith who had been straddling her hips, moves so she’s lying next to her, on her side. Her hands, which honestly had been what triggered Zelda’s out of the blue protest, have let go of her wrists. Lilith is leaning on her elbow, looking at her , while her other arm drapes over Zelda’s stomach. They are both still fully dressed, Zelda slightly less so, with the buttons of her high collared Victorian dress, undone to just above her navel. Exposing a glimpse of black lace, and freckle dotted skin beneath.

“You’re shaking.” Lilith points out, her hand drawing idle circles over Zelda’s semi exposed flesh. She realises that she’s yet to of vocalised, what was wrong. She also realises that this was Lilith being patient, a trait she would of never of associated with the brunette, before getting to know her better. But Lilith is always patient with her, and has been from the start. From ignoring her haughty demeanour towards her at times, to remaining silent while Zelda listed all the reasons why their fledgling relationship was a bad idea. And Zelda knew, she could be cruel, could bite back with countless more vicious remarks. Lilith never did though, not when she could tell that her outbursts were just a defence mechanism. The only time, she argued back, was when it was about the little things. Which never left a lasting impression on either of them.

“I’m sorry.” Zelda mutters quietly, when she can’t think of anything more substantial to say.

Lilith’s eyebrows knit together, and the hand on her stomach, moves up to cup her cheek. “You never have to apologise for telling me when you are uncomfortable.” Lilith insists, and Zelda see’s much more than a glimmer of understanding in her eyes. They were the eyes of someone who had secrets of her own, whom had probably endured the same hurt as she had.

Zelda feels guilty all of a sudden, and lifts her hand to cover Lilith’s on her cheek. “I’m seldom uncomfortable with you.” She says quietly, before dragging Lilith’s hand so she can kiss the inside of her palm. “It’s regrettable though, that some aspects of my marriage to Faustus, has left me fragile when it comes to certain parts of intimacy.” Zelda admits, she never lets go of Lilith’s hand. Even when it drops again, over her chest, leaving her arm bent in a slightly awkward position.

“Tell me?” Another queastion, not an order. Giving Zelda every chance to decline, should she want to. Which she considers for a second. Knowing if she merely brushed it off as nothing, Lilith wouldn’t push her again.

“I’m sure you are more than aware of his reputation as a misogynist.” Zelda starts, after deciding not to shy away from the topic. Lilith grimaces as she nods, which makes Zelda frown. Until it turns into more of a scowl as she goes on. “During our early courtship I had it all under control. I blinded him by feeding his ego, by allowing him to believe he had power over me, whilst in reality I had supremacy. That was until we were joined in unholy matrimony.” Zelda closes her eyes, as her mind temporarily goes back to the events after her wedding to Faustus. Specifically, the honeymoon.

When she opens her eyes, Lilith is still watching her. Concern etched onto her sharp features. “He raped you.” Lilith concludes, her voice harsh, as she practically spits out the words.

Zelda nods. “He placed me under the Caligari Curse.” She explains. “He...humiliated me. In ways I will never speak of to anyone.”

Lilith’s eyes, Zelda is certain, go entirely black, then back to blue again. As if the demon within her, couldn’t control its rage for the information which was being relayed to her. “If he wasn’t already dead, I would slice his abdomen open, and watch all of his internal organs drop from his pathetic body, whist he was still conscious of what was happening.” Lilith hisses, her tone low and dangerous.

Zelda turns a little, so she is a little closer to Lilith, and squeezes her hand. “I would gladly partake in whatever macabre torture you could come up with on my behalf. But he _is_ dead. Which is something that brings me some semblance of peace now.” Zelda admits, even managing a small smile. “It’s just sometimes, I’m suddenly back there. Pinned down, without any say in what happens to my body. Expected to lie there pliantly, and not able to do a single thing about it. While painfully aware of everything that is going on.”

“I’ve pinned you down against many a surface before.” Lilith says, slightly stricken. “And I’ve been rough, have I hu-

“And I’ve enjoyed it.” Zelda interrupts quickly. Not wanting Lilith to assume for a second otherwise. “It’s never happened so viceraly like that before, the memories intruding my thoughts, I mean. They usually go away, when I rationalise that I’m with you.”

Lilith doesn’t look convinced. “I never want you to feel as if you have to act as though everything alright with me.” She speaks softly, letting go of Zelda’s hand just to brush away a stray strand of auburn hair behind her ear. “Even if it only lasts seconds, you need to tell me if you’re triggered by anything I do.” She coils the ends of Zelda’s hair around her index finger. “And I’ll do the same.” She adds, so quietly, Zelda barely registers the underlying message. That she was correct in her earlier assumption of Lilith’s past.

Without warning, she leans forward to capture Lilith’s lips with her own. The brunette hums into it, as she holds onto Zelda’s tresses. Zelda wraps her arm over Lilith’s waist and pulls the smaller woman’s body flush against her own. If it wasn’t for the constricting material of her dress, she’d of hooked her leg over her hips as well. There would be time for that later though, she muses as the kiss deepens and she feels Lilith’s tongue against her own.

They pull apart, for lack of air more than anything else. Neither of them are willing to let go of the other though. “I’m _definitely_ not thinking about anything or anyone else right now.” Zelda says in a husky tone, as she tries to regulate her breathing.

This earns her a devilishly seductive grin, from Lilith. Whose vermilion lipstick, is smudged. And Zelda is certain her own, more subtle shade of fuscia must look the same mess over her lips as well. “Zelda I’m going to make you forget your own name, let alone anyone else’s, over the next hour.” Lilith promises, and now it’s Zelda grinning. “I won’t treat you like glass but I meant what I said. Never think you have to appear alright, when you are not. You don’t have to divulge information about your past, unless you want to. Though you have to let me know when you are feeling anxious.”

Zelda nods and is about to kiss Lilith again, when the other woman, suddenly drops her hand from Zelda’s hair, down to her waist and practically hoists her on top of her. They laugh, as their knees bash together, until Lilith wraps both her arms around Zelda’s back and holds her close. “I’ll _never_ allow anyone to take away your power again.” She whispers into Zelda’s ear.

Pushing herself up with her hands on the mattress either side of Lilith’s shoulders, Zelda smiles down at her. “And you’ll always be queen, when it’s just us.” Zelda responds tenderly, then dips her head down to kiss Lilith again.


	2. Burned But Not Buried This Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilith has a nightmare, Zelda is there to comfort her.

_She was surrounded by hellfire. The flames licked at her skin, scorching it and leaving red raw marks all over; but she refuses to scream. She would not give him, or whoever else was there, the satisfaction of hearing her beg for mercy. Instead Lilith concentrates on her breathing, and bites the inside of her cheek so hard, she can taste metallic blood in her mouth._

_This was punishment for betraying him. For actually believing that she stood any chance of wearing his crown. She feels silly now, for hoping and even envisioning a scenario where she actually won for once. Where she was granted all that she was always promised. Not thrown to the side, as soon as someone more desirable appeared._

_Her life had been devoted to Lucifer. She knows, in the early days she had loved him. A part of her would always love him. He was the first person to make her feel worthwhile after the false god had cast her aside in favour of Eve. If it weren’t for him, she doubts she would of made it so far. But she had helped him as well. She had found him, a fallen angel on the verge of death and nursed him back to life. Those days he had been gentle with her. Promised her the whole world in return for her loyalty, and for her soul._

_He had made her the very first witch. Made her feel powerful. And she had thought it would always be that way. That she would be his right hand, until he saw fit to make her his queen. She wanted to rule Hell with him; wanted to feel the weight of the crown on her head and know that everything she had ever done was worthwhile._

_Just when she believed the moment was coming, Sabrina had appeared into the picture, shattering any dream she had of becoming a queen. It was clear then, that Lucifer had no intention of fulfilling his promises to her._

_If she wasn’t in so much pain, she would laugh._

_Instead she winces, as the flames grow bigger and she can smell her own flesh. She was burning alive, tied up and helpless. While Lucifer watched from his throne, his followers behind him, mocking her with their eyes._

_Dying this was was almost poetic. If it wasn’t so fucking painful, Lilith muses and then, she loses the fight inside of herself and screams._

_She feels her whole body shake. She thinks it’s a natural reaction to being burned. Her nerves finally giving in, causing her to spasm. Until the shaking is accompanied with a slight pressure just on her left shoulder._

“Wake up.” A low octane, yet feminine voice, says from somewhere. The pressure on her arm increases, and she whines instead of scream. She hears a heavy sigh, “shh, just wake up. You’re dreaming.” The familiar voice speaks again. 

The smell of burning is replaced with something else. Something sweet, like jasmine. Lilith inhales the scent deeply, until she realises the source of it, is also the source of pressure on her arm. She starts to blink a few times, until her surroundings slowly come back to her. The first thing she is met with is the sight of a pale neck. Her blue eyes travel up the expanse of skin, until they come to a defined jaw, straight nose and then eyes that aren’t quite as blue as hers. “Zelda.” She says, drawing out the name, then sighing as soon as she realises what had happened. 

“Another one?” She barks, feeling defeated as she slumps back down against the pillow of their bed. It had been a whole year since Lucifer had been defeated. In that year, she could count on both hands how many nightmares Zelda had woken her from. She felt utterly pathetic. 

Zelda shifts next to her, wrapping her arms around her and pulling her in close. Lilith is pliant and allows Zelda to guide her head onto her chest. The rhythmic beating of the other woman’s heart relaxes her. She hooks a leg over Zelda’s, letting it rest in-between her legs. “You were screaming. I know you asked me not to wake you anymore, but I couldn’t stand it.” Zelda’s says, as she holds Lilith in her arms. Her hand drawing idle circles over the skin of her bicep. “Do you wish to discuss it this time?” She asks quietly. 

Lilith starts shaking her head against Zelda’s chest before she answers. “No...maybe. I... don’t know.” She mumbles, as Zelda kisses the top of her hair. It’s usually the other way around, with Lilith cooing and comforting Zelda. It was rare for Lilith to allow herself to be cared for, she much preferred being the source of support. But the nightmare had been a particularly graphic one. So she allows herself to be held by Zelda, even enjoying the role reversal. 

“I was being burned alive while _he_ watched.” Lilith says out of the blue. “Not just him. All of his cronies as well. They were watching me die and there was nothing I could do about it.” She finishes, her body tensing slightly. She’s never spoken about her nightmares with Zelda. Preferring to brush them off as nothing. But it had been almost a whole year now, since they’d started seeing each other. Over the last few months of that year, they’d grown even closer. Moving from former enemies, who sleep together, into something a lot more domestic, maybe even loving. Zelda had trusted her when it came to her past with Faustus, so it was only right that she trusted her when it came to her own demons. 

“Do you dream about your own demise often?” Zelda asks, her voice soft and inviting. 

“Sometimes.” Lilith answers. “Mostly I’m being hurt or tortured in some way. He’s always watching. Sometimes I don’t see him straight away, like he’s hiding in the shadows. Then I’ll feel those dark eyes on me, and...” She falters, burrowing her head into the hollow of Zelda’s neck. She can’t bring herself to say his name out loud. “I can’t talk about it anymore, I’m sorry.” She mutters, trying to stop herself from crying. 

“You don’t have to.” Zelda assures her, which makes Lilith feel worse. 

“No, you don’t understand I _want_ to talk to you.” She insists, then pulls back a little so she can look up at Zelda. “I want to talk about everything with you. Not just the bad things, good things as well. But I can’t seem to let go. I...know we haven’t always seen eye to eye, that this is new terrain for us both. So I just need you to be patient with me.” Lilith tries to explain, but feels as though it all comes out wrong. She has so much she wants to tell Zelda, but words fail her. 

“Don’t you think I feel exactly the same?” Zelda asks incredulously, though not unkindly. “You’re the last person I ever thought I would trust. Here you are though, in my bed, between my legs and I think back to all the time I wasted despising you. When all I want to do now is share my life with you.” She admits, which is not something she does often, speak about her feelings that is. So Lilith knows immediately it had taken a for Zelda to say what she had openly.

“I know what you mean.” Lilith says with a small chuckle. “As much as enjoyed sparring with you, then adding meaningless sex into the mix, I wouldn’t change what we have now for anything.” She leans up to kiss Zelda. It’s slow and languid, as the other woman opens her mouth to kiss her back. When Lilith pulls back, she leans her forehead against Zelda’s cheek. “But even back at the start it wasn’t really meaningless, I just know we like to pretend it was.” She whispers, then gingerly kisses Zelda’s jawline, until she settles back on her side, with her head tucked beneath Zelda’s chin, against her chest again.

Rain taps against the window next to the bed, the sound, accompanied with Zelda’s breathing, eases Lilith’s anxiety, until she feels her eyelids grow heavy again. “You can wake me if I have another nightmare.” She gives permission, as she tries not to yawn. 

“Okay.” Zelda responds, giving her a soft squeeze with her arms. “In the morning, or a few days time, we can try to have a real conversation about it if you want.” She says. Lilith stays quiet, feeling as if Zelda wasn’t done speaking. A beat passes, before she adds. “And I'll try as well. I’ll tell you in more detail what frightens me sometimes, ever since the caligari curse.” When Zelda finishes, Lilith feels her exhale a breath. 

“What if we can’t?” Lilith whispers with her eyes closed. “Neither of us are very equipped at dealing with our past trauma.” 

“We will try, slowly.” Zelda persists. “We could even ask my sister to mediate, or somebody we both trust. Perhaps it would be easier that way.” 

Lilith scoffs. “Like a therapist?” She half jokes. 

“Of course not.” Zelda interjects, “I meant someone we know. I said Hilda because she is the person I look up to most in this world. If you can think of anyone else, then please-

“Hey it’s okay, I was just teasing.” Lilith interrupts again, then actually does yawn. “I think Hilda is a great choice, should we need help.” 

She feels Zelda relax beneath her. “Very well, now we really should try to get some sleep. I have a class at the Academy first thing. And you promised Sabrina you’d take her to the woods to gather nightshade for some project you’ve both been working on.” 

Lilith wants to tease her again, and tell her that was the plan, but she’s the one who keeps talking. She smiles, knowing that what Sabrina and herself are working on is a gift for Zelda’s upcoming birthday. They had no need for nightshade, they were going out for something else. Ever since they went public with their relationship and nothing disastrous happened, she’d been spending more time with Sabrina. Lilith sighs contently, then sags against Zelda, already falling asleep. 

She doesn’t dream of fire and brimstone again that night. Instead Lilith dreams of auburn hair, tailored Victorian outfits, the scent of jasmine and birthday cake.


	3. Marked For Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zelda tells Hilda about her problems. While Lilith and Sabrina bond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow update. Here’s a extra long chapter to make up for it.

_She’s somewhere cold, that’s for certain. Her back feels stiff, as she lies on top of a hard, icy surface. Zelda always hated the cold. She was made for warm climates. If it wasn’t for her love for Sabrina and the rest of her family, Greendale would be the last place she’d settle. Hilda was the only person who knew this, so always kept the house warm with a fire or magic. Wherever she is now, it’s far away from the warmth and comfort of home._

_There’s a dull ache around her abdomen as well, and her head hurts. Zelda frowns, eyes still shut, not wanting to face reality just yet._

_She starts to panic, she has no memories of what has happened to her, nor where she could be. The uncertainty of her situation makes her feel helpless. She feels tears prickle the corners of her eyes, then berates herself. This was not the time for a break down, she needed to open her eyes and face whatever was going on. The sooner she did that, the sooner she could get away from wherever she was and get back to her family._

_A sound alerts her senses and her eyes snap open. Then close again, as the harsh luminescent light of wherever she was made her eyes burn. She blinks a few times, until her pupils return to their normal size and she can see without floating colours in her vision._

_There is a light directly above her head, other than that, she still had no clue as to where she was. Wincing, Zelda pushes herself up with her elbows, until she’s sat up at least. Her tights are ripped in random places, and she is shoeless. Looking down, she notices a small red stain over where the ache in abdomen is. When she sat up, she’d felt something pull, so carefully she lifts up her leopard print satin shirt to investigate. Zelda hisses in agony, as the material sticks to what was clearly a bloody wound on the side of her stomach. Once her skin is exposed she sees a stitched up scar there, though it’s still bleeding. Whoever did this, didn’t care wether it was done properly. It would leave an ugly mark._

_“Admiring my work?” The hairs on Zelda’s back stick up at the familiar voice. “I admit it’s not my best. But I didn’t do it for aesthetics. Merely to keep you alive long enough so I can kill you myself.”_

_Zelda tries to remain calm. Her eyes dart around the room, then back at the man standing at the foot of whatever she was sitting on. “Faustus.” She spits his name out angrily. “Where am I?” She asks, trying to distract him in conversation as she tries to figure a way out of her predicament._

_He laughs at her, then motions dramatically with his arms. “I thought you of all people would recognise a morgue when they saw one.” He answers smugly._

_As soon as he says it, she starts to recognise her surroundings. He wasn’t lying, the cold object she was on, was a metal gurnie, it’s why the place was so arctic. As her eyes investigate the room further she sees the metal lockers where bodies would usually be storred to her left. It was definitely a morgue, though not the one they had at home. “So you plan on killing me here? Hardly an original idea.” She says, keeping her voice even, to hide the looming panic within her._

_He starts to round the slab she’s on, coming closer to her. Zelda feels her whole body go rigid. She wants to move, but finds herself frozen in place. When his clawed hand comes to rest on her thigh though, she can’t help but flinch. “Sarcasm won’t save you.” He states, as his hand slowly trails up. “You forget that we have known each other for years and years. Do you remember when you were twenty three, and you confessed to me that when you’re frightened, you’re defence mechanism is to behave indignant?” He goes on in a self assured manner._

_She does, and she hates herself for ever trusting him. But she’d been young back then. She truly believed in the church of Satan, and in him. He’d been the one she’d given her virtue to after her Dark Baptism after all. And she had thought he would make her Lady Blackwood after a string of one night stands and secret meetings after unholy communions. “That was a long time ago, a lifetime actually. I’m not a naive twenty something anymore and I certainly don’t behave or react to situations as I used to back then.” She tries to keep up her act of confidence. Ignoring the way he was touching her and how it made her skin crawl._

_He tuts as her patronisingly. “Don’t lie to me, Zelda. It’s very unbecoming of a wife.”_

_“I’m not your wife!” She shouts, and tries to move, but his hand comes to rest directly over the wound on her abdomen and she hisses in pain._

_“Technically you still are. Therefore you’re my property and I can do with you what I see fit.” He corrects her, and she glares at him through her pain._

_“Don’t make me laugh. You couldn’t control me without using the Caligari Curse. Even if your demented misogyny was in any way right, you weren’t man enough to even-_

_Her sentence is cut short when his hand presses harder against her wound and she screams. She feels a stitch or two break off, and warm blood stains more of her shirt. Faustus leans closer to her, so he can hiss into her ear as he practically digs long fingernails into her. “Listen to me you miserable old bitch. You are nothing, none of you Spellman’s are. If you had come to terms with that, then you wouldn’t be in this situation. You can try to taunt me all you want, but when I leave this room you’ll be a corpse. And soon you’ll be joined by that ridiculous sister of yours and bratty niece and nephew. Though I want you to know that when it comes to Sabrina, I won’t be as gentle as I am with you.”_

_His fingers rip open her stitches, and she howls. Then from nowhere a knife appears in his other hand. Her mind rattles for a protection spell, but it’s too late as the knife plummets into her heart._

“NO! PLEASE!” She shouts as her body shoots up. Zelda’s breathing is heavy, and she’s still shaking when she starts to recognise her surroundings. She concentrates on the little things. Her vanity near the wall, Lilith’s jacket which hangs next to her furcoat behind the bedroom door. The smell of lavender over the bedsheets. She was home, in her bed and she was safe.

After a minute, her breathing returns to normal and Zelda sags against the head board. A hand comes to rest against her temple, she feels beads of sweat over her skin and grimaces. A thought suddenly occurred, she knows it’s silly, but she has to lift the covers up, then her pyjama top, just to make sure. Once she see’s the discreet pink scar, she sighs in relief. Not the work of Faustus but Mambo Marie’s careful hands, after she’d been shot.

As far as nightmares went, that one was new. She shudders as she pulls the covers back up and rolls onto her side, facing the empty space next to her. Zelda summaries that Lilith was already downstairs for breakfast. It wasn’t unusual, Zelda had never been a morning person, the other woman was usually up before her. This morning she was thankful that Lilith didn’t have to witness another aftermath of a nightmare. From what she’d told her last night, she suffered as well, and it wouldn’t help either of them if both continued like this. She remembers talking about seeking help, and knows if it didn’t happen soon, things could get much worse.

* * *

Zelda smiles from behind her Parisian newspaper, as she listens to Sabrina chatter animatedly with Lilith. Usually she preferred reading her morning papers in silence, but she can make an exception, considering how carefree her niece sounded. It was as if she was listening to a normal teenager speaking. Not someone who had the weight of the world on their shoulders. The change in Sabrina’s demeanour since The Church of Satan was demolished, is both refreshing and a relief. Zelda’s number one priority in life is the continued happiness of Sabrina, whom she considered more like a daughter than a niece. Ever since the day she’d held her for the first time as a newborn, and looked down at her cherubic features, Zelda knew she loved her, and would protect her at all costs. Plus after her latest nightmare, and the mention of Sabrina possibly being hurt, she was particularly protective of her this morning.

“Aunt Zee?” Sabrina’s inquisitive tone of voice stops Zelda’s thoughts. She lowers the newspaper just enough to peer over the top, and it met by two sets of expectant eyes staring back at her. It’s clear while she was contemplating her care over Sabrina, that they’d addressed her at some point, and she’d not heard.

Zelda takes a drag from her cigarette, then lowers the paper a bit more. “I didn’t quite catch that.” She says measuredly, after blowing out smoke through her nostrils.

Lilith scoffs, which earns her a glare, while Sabrina just smiles and repeats herself. “I was just saying that after going to the woods with Lilith this morning, we’re going to go to the diner for some milkshake. If you want to come?” She asks innocently, though Zelda can sense the slight deception immediately. She frowns, wondering what on earth could Sabrina by trying to hide.

“You know I don’t frequent that establishment,” she starts cooly, “not to mention that I’ll more than likely be spending my whole day at the Academy.” When Sabrina bites her bottom lip, then looks down sadly at the rebuttal, Zelda adds quickly. “Though I’m sure we can spend some time together this evening, if you would like. I have a few potions I need help with in preparation for a few classes I have planned over the coming weeks.” It’s a lie. Zelda had already prepared each and every detail of her schedule at the Academy, but she would make up some more if it pleased Sabrina.

“I’d actually love that!” She beams brightly, and Zelda offers her a tight smile in return.

“We’ll need to go soon.” Lilith chimes from her seat at the breakfast table. She shares a mischievous look over her coffee cup, with Sabrina, which Zelda catches.

“Oh, right.” Sabrina says, before gulping down the rest of her fresh orange juice.

“Why the urgency, the nightshade won’t disappear?” Zelda asks, placing down her newspaper flat on the kitchen table. She crosses one arm over her abdomen, while holding the one with her antique smoking ring up near her face. “And don’t drink that so quickly, it’ll give you heartburn.” She says to Sabrina, who offers her a sheepish look in return.

“True. But I want to get there before other people decide to enjoy the woods for themselves. Last thing me and Sabrina need, are some mortals poking their noses in our business.” Lilith counters breezily, then sets her coffee cup down.

“Exactly!” Sabrina agrees, already moving to get up. “I’ll just fetch my coat and we can go.” She says, then turns towards the door. Just before she gets to it, she pauses and glances over her shoulder at Zelda. Then turns around completely and approaches her. She wraps her arms around her so tightly, Zelda actually gasps. “Love you, auntie.” She says, before turning to leave again.

The tender moment is over with so quickly that Zelda barely has time to register it. Her face must give away her surprise, because Lilith chuckles at her side. “Quit looking so shocked, you’re quite the lovable witch, Zelda Fiona Spellman.” She drawls, and Zelda feels her cheeks flush. Lovable isn’t a word she’d ever associate with herself.

Zelda takes another drag from her cigarette to try to calm her insecure thoughts. “What’s the real reason you’re leaving so early with my niece?” She asks, ignoring Lilith’s comment.

“I told you, I want to avoid pesky mortals.”

Zelda makes a non commital noise from the back of her throat. “Hm.”

Lilith just rolls her eyes, then pushes back her chair in order to get up. “I won’t let Sabrina out of my sight, and she’ll be home to brew potions with you later. So don’t fret so much, darling.” She rounds Zelda so she can bend down behind her and wrap her arms around her shoulders. “Though if you do change your mind about milkshake, I’d love to see you with a frothy mustache.” Lilith teases, her head on Zelda’s shoulder.

“I doubt I’ll have time.” Zelda persists, though can’t help leaning back into the other woman’s embrace. The brunettes perfume lingers, it’s something sultry and dark.

“Suit yourself.” Lilith says, before placing a chaste kiss on Zelda’s cheek. “I’ll see you later.”

Before Lilith can step away, Zelda grabs her wrist quickly. “Before you go, did you want to discuss what we talked about last night?” She asks quietly, looking up at Lilith, who was already shaking her head.

“About that...” she starts, and Zelda can already see her emotional wall being built up. “I’m more than happy if you want to talk to me, or your sister about certain issues. Actually I think you should. It only happened a year ago, and it will take time for you to heal properly.” She says softly. “My issues on the other hand are centuries old, I’ve had plenty of time to dwell. There’s no point rehashing things from so long ago. So I’d rather not.”

Zelda can’t help the pang of disappointment that shoots through her. She had always assumed she was the more guarded one in the relationship. This less open Lilith, wasn’t someone she was used to. Still, she wouldn’t press the other woman if she wasn’t comfortable.

“Okay.” She agrees, as she let’s go of her wrist. “But if you chan-

“I already know.” Lilith interrupts a little abruptly. “Sorry,” she mutters, when she realises how she sounds. “I do know though, that I can talk to you if I want. And I’ll not forget that. But it’s like I said, there’s no point.” She amends, though Zelda is less than convinced.

“Ready?!” Sabrina shouts from the doorway in her red coat. Both older witches turn to look at her, it’s Lilith who recovers first.

“Absolutely.” She smiles, then leans down to kiss Zelda’s cheek again, before walking towards Sabrina.

Zelda’s shoulders drop defeatidly once she’s alone again, and she takes another puff of smoke.

* * *

“Uhm, so why are we actually going to the forest?” Sabrina asks as she walks next to Lilith down a small dirt path. “I mean I thought that was a lie to keep Aunt Zee in the dark.”

Lilith side eyes her with a smirk. “Because I know your Aunt, and I wouldn’t put it past her to somehow find a way to know if we were actually here.” She explains, glancing behind her, “besides it is a rare sunny day here in Greendale, a morning walk in the forest will be a wonderful way to start the day, don’t you think?”

Sabrina kicks a stone in her way, and shrugs. “I guess so. And we could always get some flowers for the house.” She suggests, which makes Lilith smile.

“Exactly! Afterwards we can head to town and get everything we need. Your idea of baking a cake for Zelda’s birthday rather than buying it was a spark of genius.” Lilith exclaims excitedly, but catches Sabrina rolling her eyes. “What?”

Sabrina shrugs, then looks up at her. “Do you even know how to make a birthday cake? Like granted it’s not difficult, but we need this to be special and I don’t want to cheat with magic, before you suggest that.”

Lilith sighs, okay so maybe she hadn’t the first idea on how to make a birthday cake the mortal way. But when Sabrina had come to her, with the idea she’d been so enthusiastic, not to mention touched that Sabrina wanted to include her, she’d agreed without thinking. “We will get your Aunt Hilda to help, her baking is the best I’ve ever tasted, and I’ve been around since Adam and Eve.”

“No! We already got Aunt Hilda to make us a list of the things we need. Besides this is also for her, she always makes cakes and things for birthdays and I wanted to do it this year.” Sabrina whines in a way, which in the past would of irritated Lilith. These days though, she just finds her spouts of teenage petulance amusing.

“Fine.” She agrees. “I guess we’ll just have to do our research.”

The answer satisfies Sabrina, and they keep walking towards the woods. Lilith enjoys the silence for a while, being outdoors had always been more appealing to her than indoors. There was a subtle breeze, and birds were just waking up. It was very cliche, but after everything she’d endured, she’d take this life over any of the others she’d lived.

As they neared the entrance of the forest, Sabrina almost stumbles over a tree bark, Lilith grabs her arm to steady her. “Careful.”

“Thanks.” Sabrina says, and she lets go of the girl. “So uhm, you know how you and Aunt Zelda are a thing now?” Sabrina says out of the blue, just as the path ends and they are actually within the forest. The sun isn’t as bright, blocked but the trees, but it’s still warm.

“Yes.” Lilith answers, as she carefully trudges through dirt and fallen leaves. Maybe heeled boots wasn’t the best choice of footwear, but there was no going back now.

“Does this mean you’ll be staying?” Sabrina goes on. Lilith frowns and glances at her, but she’s looking straight ahead. Lilith recognises this trait as one of Zelda’s and smiles fondly.

“Where exactly would I be going?” She presses, noticing a couple walking a dog a few yard away from them. Then guides them in another direction.

Sabrina stops waking, and turns to look at her. “What I’m trying to ask is, well you’re not going to just leave are you? It’s just...Aunt Zee likes you a lot, you make her happy and after everything she’s been through I don’t think she could handle being hurt again.” She takes a breath, stuffs both her hands in her pockets, then shrugs. “And no offence, but you haven’t got a great track record of hanging around.”

At first Lilith feels angry at the accusation, but reminds herself that the girl had a point. She had no one to blame but herself for his warped view of her. “I understand where you’re coming from Sabrina.” She starts to say calmly. Then places her hand on Sabrina’s shoulder. “But I really like your Aunt as well, and to be honest the thought of hurting her isn’t appealing to me either.” The ‘anymore’ is left unsaid. Because there was a time when all she wanted to do was hurt every single Spellman. But that was all in the past now. “So you’re going to have to trust me when I said I’m not going anywhere, and that she’s stuck with me.”

Sabrina smiles, then nods. “Okay. Good, that’s really good.” She says, and Lilith drops her hand so then can keep walking.

“Lilith?”

“Hmm?

“I really like you now as well, we all do. Not the same way as Aunt Zelds does, obviously...but you’re part of the family.”

Lilith swallows a lump in her throat, before stuttering. “T-thank you.”

“ _So_...back to this cake.” The mood feels lighter, as Sabrina directs the topic back to what they were doing together in the first place; getting prepared for Zelda’s birthday.

* * *

“Love?”

Zelda startles, the fountain pen she’d been using to write with blotches ink over her parchment. She clenches her jaw tightly, before looking up. Hilda is standing there, holding a brown paper bag in front of herself. “I didn’t hear you come in.” Zelda says, as she drops the pen, and grimaces when she notes she’ll have to re write he curriculum plans. “What are you doing here?” She barks, trying to sound irritated. She was sick of constantly being jumpy, especially whilst caught off guard. Ever since her marriage to Faustus she’d habitually cast protection spells around herself, but with the relaxed nature of her morning with Lilith and Sabrina, she’d forgotten.

If Hilda is offended by her cold demeanour, she doesn’t show it. The opposite actually, she smiles brightly at Zelda as she approaches her desk. “I thought you’d like some lunch.” She explains, ignoring Zelda’s frosty greeting.

It’s then that Zelda notices the brown paper bag in her hand. Her stomach churns, she’d not eaten anything at breakfast, just her usual espresso and cigarette. “You came all this way just to feed me?” She asks, putting the lid on her pen then placing it down next to the ruined paper.

“Yup.” Hilda answers, as she starts to empty the contents of her bag. Zelda watches as she pulls out a ceaser salad box, a slice of what appears to be chocolate fudge cake in another, and a flask. “I wasn’t sure what you’d be in the mood for, but I hope you’re hungry.”

Zelda nods, “thank you.” She says curtly, as she reaches for the contents. “What’s in this?” She asks as she picks up the flask and begins to unscrew the cap.

“It’s sweet tea from home.” Hilda says, already sitting at the oppposte side of the desk. “The rest I grabbed from Cerberus’s earlier.” She says as she reaches for the empty tea cup on the desk, “I wanted to keep it warm until I got here”

Zelda takes the offered cup and pours the warm liquid into it. “Did your fiancé not want to eat lunch with you?” She asks, unable to conceal her underlying jealousy. It wasn’t that she didn’t like him, she didn’t know enough about him for that. It was that Hilda had always been there, and now she was spending less time at home, Zelda missed her. She may be the older sister, but Hilda was the one who’d looked after her.

Hilda continues to smile, “we had a late breakfast, besides I wanted to see you, Zelds. Sabrina said you’re not coming to the diner later, so I thought I’d see you now instead.”

“You’ve seen Sabrina? I thought she was in the woods with Lilith.”

“Oh..uh. Yeah.” Hilda stutters, which heightens Zelda’s earlier suspicion. “I walked through the woods to get here and bumped into them.”

Zelda narrows her eyes. “You’re a disastrous liar, Hildegard.”

Hilda pulls out a plastic fork and hands it to Zelda, who takes it, then takes off the lid of her container. There’s a generous amount of green in there, “I’m going to assume that whatever it is they are both up to, you at least know about and therefor nothing to be concerned about. So I’ll leave it at that.” She says, as she pokes at the salad with her fork.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Zelds.” Hilda responds sarcastically, then smiles. “Anyway what’s been going on with you?” She asks, skilfully changing the subject. “You look tired, and Sabrina says you’re smoking more than usual.”

Zelda glances at her nearly filled ashtray, then back at Hilda who she catches doing the same things. She sighs, then shrugs one shoulder. “As much as I loathe to admit it, I suppose self preservation hasn’t been the top of my priorities recently.” She confesses, then takes a bite of her salad. She hums greatful, then chews a bit before swallowing her mouthful and continuing. “You know about the the trouble I have with nightmares.”

Hilda looks at her throughly, then nods. “I do, but I thought they’d gotten much better. Are you still putting foxglove in your tea before bed? Like I used to for you before moving out.” Or as she has ever since they were teenagers, Zelda thinks.

“I have been yes, but it’s not just _my_ night terrors I have to concede with anymore.” Zelda pauses for a second. Recalling how Lilith had told her earlier she’d changed her mind about further discussions of her own past trauma. “This goes no further, but Lilith has the same problem. We’ve spoken briefly about the issue, but nothing in depth.” She rushes out her words, feeling guilty for divulging the private information with Hilda but also slightly relived. Having moved out to peruse her own relationship, she rarely got to speak with her sister about her problems. She missed it, but knew she had to stop being selfish and let Hilda flourish.

“When did they get bad again?” Hilda asks, “your nightmares I mean.” Zelda is greatful that Hilda keeps the subject on her, not Lilith.

Zelda looks down at her salad bowl. “Since the Caligari Spell.” She admits quietly.

“Oh, Zelds.” Hilda reaches forward and places a gentle hand over hers. “Love I’m sorry, I should of known. So much was happening, I didn’t really get to talk to you or even ask you about it after everything started to calm down. I’ve been a terrible sister when it comes to your ordeal, but I’m here for you now, whatever you need.”

“You could never be a terrible sister to me.” Zelda says sternly, looking up again. She grasps Hilda’s hand in her own on the table. “The only person guilty of that title is me and ah-“

She holds her other hand up to shush Hilda when it looks she might interject. “I don’t need reassurance, I know how I’ve treated you in the past, that is neither here nor there. Though it’s something I will regret for the rest of my life.” She admits sadly. “To the topic at hand, back then our priority was Sabrina, we are her guardians so it was only right to focus on her plight, and Ambrose’s of course. I didn’t even think anything much of my time under the curse, until it all calmed down again and... _well_ I’ve noticed I now have certain triggers that I cannot control, which usually accumulate into night terrors.” It wouldn’t fix anything, but somehow by vocalising her issues, Zelda feels a little lighter.

“Thank you for sharing this with me.” Hilda says, never once letting go of Zelda’s hand. Her thumb playing with the ring on her index finger. “And I’m guessing the reason you’re being so honest is that you want me to help?”

Zelda nods, willing herself not to cry. This wasn’t the time to be overly emotional. “Yes, I _need_ you to fix everything.” She says, thinking back to how when they were children, Hilda would always make things better. Even after they’d grown up, she could always count on her younger sister. Sometimes it was as if Hilda should of been the eldest, not her. “I don’t know what to do, Hilda. I’ve managed to keep it contained, but since forming an attachment with Lilith, it’s harder to hide. Of course she knows, as I said she has her own demons. I want to support her, but I can hardly do so when I’m fighting against my own.”

“Zelds I’m going to help.” Hilda reassures. “But it won’t be a quick fix. Things like this take time, but luckily for us we have plenty.”

Zelda swallows a lump in her throat, then licks her lips. “Very well, what course of action would you suggest?”

Hilda smiles, then motions her head at the food. “First we are going to eat lunch and talk about unimportant things. _Then_ you’re going to make me a list of times you’ve felt uncomfortable and we will take it from there. Does that sound okay?”

“Yes.” Zelda says, a small smile playing at the corners of her lips.

* * *

“Aunt Zee! You came!” Sabrina exclaims the second she walks into the diner, followed by Hilda. It had been a difficult day, but she felt at least some progress had been made. After a walk around the grounds of the Academy, Hilda had convinced her to come with her to meet Sabrina and Lilith at the diner. Considering everything she was doing for her, Zelda couldn’t deny the request. No matter how much she loathed the cheaply decorated establishment.

“You’d think we’ve been apart for years, not since this morning.” Zelda quips as she approaches the table. Lilith scooches over so she can sit next to her. She slides into the booth. Their thighs bump, and Lilith kisses her cheek. Zelda flushes red, still not used to public displays of affection. No one else is fazed though.

“What have you two been up to then?” Hilda asks, sitting next to Sabrina.

“Apart from attempting to slip into a sugar coma.” Zelda interjects, motioning her head at the two empty bowls of ice cream and half drunk glasses of milkshake in front of them.

Lilith shakes her head, smirking at Zelda as she reaches for her glass and takes a sip through a paper straw. “Oh you know we went to the forest for that nightshade, then decided to do a bit of shopping. Now that I’m a fully fledged member of the community I thought I should explore a little. Your niece was very helpful.” She explains after putting the glass down.

Zelda snorts, which earns her a look of reprimand from Hilda. If she were petty she’d ask where the nightshade was, but didn’t.

“What about you? What changed your mind about coming.” Lilith asks, looking at Zelda’s profile.

“Hilda convinced me.” She answers simply, smiling warmly at her sister. Then turns her head to look directly at Lilith. “I’m trying new things.” She says with a coy smile, as she picks up Lilith’s banana milkshake and takes a sip.

Surrounded by people she loves, the world doesn’t seem so dark; the knowledge of this is a comfort to Zelda. She needed to remember the next time she was afraid, that this is reality. And with time she was sure everything would be okay.


	4. Sadness Is Rebellion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With her birthday looming, Zelda tries to talk to Hilda about her triggers.

Lilith was utterly spent, her whole body exhausted and slick with sweat as she takes a moment to find her breath. Flat on her back, she pushes her dark hair back from her face and leans against the plush pillow beneath her head. Her heart was drumming in her chest, every inch of her still tingling with the aftermath of having Zelda’s talented fingers inside of her. “I don’t think I’ll be moving for the rest of the day after that.”

From the vanity, where she’s sat reapplying her lipstick, she hears Zelda laugh. It’s a rare sound, one that makes Lilith feel warm and content. “I wish I had the luxury of staying in bed all day. Unfortunately being a High Priestess means I have responsibilities that I cannot put off.” She drawls, in that low timber tone that make the hairs on Lilith’s neck stand up.

Zelda doesn’t get up, but does turn to face the bed from her seat, once she’s satisfied with her makeup. Lilith shuffles up a little, just so she can admire the other woman’s toned calves as she crosses her legs. The pencil skirt she has on, rides a up a little and Lilith is sure Zelda knows. “Isn’t the point of being High Priestess that you can do what you want!?” Lilith says, with a smirk. “I mean I’m sure no one would argue if you said you wanted to take the day off.”

“It’s that sort of attitude that cost you your crown.” It’s just teasing, Lilith knows, but she can’t help but frown at the comment.

She quickly recovers though, slumping back down against the headboard, “I mean it, Zelda. Besides it’s your birthday tomorrow.” She retorts, “Don’t you want to spend your last day as a...Hmm when were you born again, if I recall sometime around 1549...so you’re-

“Considering you were the first woman on earth, I’d tread very carefully if you’re trying to tease me about my age.” Zelda interrupts, with a raised brow.

Lilith holds up both hands, feigning innocence. “I’m just saying, you should take the day off. Think of everything we could spend the day doing.” She wags her brows suggestively.

Zelda rolls her eyes, “and let me guess none of those things would involve leaving this room.”

“You’re the one who said it, not me.” Lilith laughs. “I was thinking though, we could have a walk, maybe even a picnic.”

Grimacing, Zelda shakes her head as she finally gets up. “I thought you wanted me to enjoy the day.” She says, as she brushes invisible fluff off of her burgundy blazer. “Unlike you I don’t consider a day outdoors a treat. Regardless this conversation is futile, I’m not taking a day off. Not today, and not tomorrow before you ask.”

“What do you mean, _not_ tomorrow?” Lilith balks at her, as if she’d just announced she was going to walk around naked for the rest of her life.

“I seldom celebrate birthdays, it got tiresome sometime after 1801. Undoubtedly my family will have something planned and I’ll indulge them, so don’t fret.” She says, floating over to the bed. She leans down and kisses Lilith on the lips quickly. “Now you’ve made me late.”

Lilith wants to pester her more, but decides to let it go. She was going to spend the day with Sabrina finally making the cake anyway. So she just watches as Zelda turns to leave. Not once mentioning the way they’d both woken each other up in the midths of tormenting nightmares the night before.

* * *

“It’s okay Zelds, just start with something small.” Hilda encourages in a manner Zelda finds both a comfort and an annoyance. Her sister has always been supportive towards her, even when she didn’t deserve her kindness. She recalls once after their mother had insisted she fast for three days after accidentally sleeping in and missing a unholy communion; Hilda had done the same so she didn’t have to suffer alone. She also recalled calling her sister a pathetic little creature when she’d told her what she was doing. But as always Hilda hadn’t been deterred by her cruel nature.

“I’m trying, Hilda. Truly I am.” Zelda says from where she’s sitting behind her desk. Her head in her hand, while the other has her smoking ring and cigarette on it. “It’s just very difficult to admit to my weaknesses, let alone recall what caused them in the first place.” She taps her ring against the ashtray, then sits up with her back against her chair. “Perhaps we should try again tomorrow.”

Hilda shakes her head. “No. Not on your birthday. I know you don’t like being reminded of the passing of time, but Sabrina and Ambrose like to spoil us on our birthdays. We’ll only be doing happy things tomorrow, unless you want to explain to our niece and nephew.”

Zelda huffs, knowing she’s not going to win this discussion. “It’s unfair that your birthday is on the same day as Ambrose’s, at least you can shrink away from all of the attention. I on the other hand don’t have the choice. And you know how much I detest it. Even Lilith seems intent on celebrating what I consider just another day.” Taking one final drag from her cigarette, she then drops it and her ring in the ashtray. Usually she’d light a second one immediately, but knows Hilda hates when she chain smokes.

“Well nothing we can do about that.” Hilda continues, playing with a piece of thread that’s come loose on the sleeve of her orange cardigan. “Now let’s focus on why I’m here in the first place. Think about something that might trigger a memory. And once it’s out in the universe, we can discuss ways of eliminating it.”

“Since when have you been so determined?” Zelda asks with a wiry grin. Trying to put off the inevitable.

“Since I’ve had a sister who likes to procrastinate.” Hilda counters easily, “now quit trying to change the subject. You’re the one who asked for my help remember”

Zelda looks away. Her brows knit as she tries to concentrate. She avoids delving to deeply, as her sister said, she needed to start small. Which she was greatful for. If she had to remember the truly disturbing aspects of her marriage; she’d likely disassociate.

“Nails.” She finally blurts out. Keep her her eyes trained on a painting hanging on the wall to their left.

“Nails?” Hilda repeats, sounding confused. “Like the ones you used to stick in that doll you made of Amelia Mooncrest from our Academy days?”

“No you dimwit.” Zelda hisses and instantly feels guilty. “I apologise, I don’t mean to sound abrupt,” she starts again, looking at Hilda with nothing but sincerity on her features. “I mean like fingernails. Specifically long ones.”

Realisation dawns on Hilda’s face. “Blackwood had long nails. Urgh and they were bloody creepy.” She scrunches up her face, which offers Zelda a moment of levity.

“Indeed.” She agrees. “Though I admit I never paid them much attention, not until...” she grimaces before she can finish her sentence. Screwing her eyes shut as particularly painful memory engulfed her mind.

“Zelda?” She feels a pair of gentle hand on her shoulders and Hilda’s voice sounds a lot closer. But she can’t shake off the intrusive thoughts in her brain.

_Her wrists are bleeding too much. If not healed by magic, she’s going to need stitches at least. Bleeding out at this point wouldn’t be the worst outcome, she thinks as Faustus continues to pound into her from behind. She’s bent over his desk, his hands gripping her wrists painfully behind her back. She wonders why he bothers restraining her, she can only do as he demands anyway. Never the less, his finger nails dig deeply into her. Their feel like tiny knives, cutting away back and forth with the frantic movements of his thrusts. It’s a shame, Zelda muses, she’s always been a fan of beads and bracelets around her small wrists; it would do no good to draw attention to them once this was over. If it ever would be. She starts to catalogue her favourite long sleeved outfits in her closet back home, until he comes._

“ **Zelda**!”

Her eyes snap open and she recognises Hilda. _Notrealnotreal_ , she repeats in her head. “Hildie.” She sobs before falling into her sisters arms. She clutches to the front of Hilda’s cardigan for dear life. “I’m s-sorry I can’t do th-this. It’s to soon, to raw for me to face. I thought I was ready. That I was strong enough, but I’m not.”

“Zelda _shhh_ , hey. It’s okay.” Hilda whispers soothingly. Rubbing her back as she bends to hug her, while Zelda remains half sat. “That man has taken enough from you. Don’t let him take away your self belief. You are a strong woman, Zelda. Not only that, you’re my big sister and I’ve never admired anyone the way I admire you.”

“I don’t know why.” Zelda sniffs, calming somewhat. “Mother always said I was to emotional for my own good. That I should’ve been more like you and Edward.”

“Well mother was wrong about a lot of things. Would you say that to Sabrina? Heaven. She reminds me _so_ much of you at that age. And if she grows up to be half the witch you are then I’d say we’ve done a pretty fantastic job of raising her.”

“Only if the other half turns out like you.” Zelda chokes out.

They don’t speak again for a few minutes. Zelda knows Hilda is staying quiet for her. Letting her cry quietly, until she’s ready to compose herself.

“I’m okay now, Hildie.” She whispers as she pulls away from the embrace. “I’m sorry.” She repeats, while wiping her cheeks with the back of her hands.

“Stop apologising.” Hilda says. Then steps away, but doesn’t go to far.

“You should go. I’ve wasted enough of your time. I insist you go back to your fiancé and forget I ever asked for help.” Zelda tries to sound measured and calm, but knows she’s doing a terrible job.

“I’ve got a better idea. I’m going to make some tea.” Hilda announces happily, already reaching for the tray on the desk. “And then we will try again.”

Zelda hasn’t got the energy to argue.


	5. Whispers In The Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s the morning of Zelda’s birthday; revelations are made, along with breakfast in bed.

As soon as Zelda feels Lilith shift next to her in bed, she tries her best to continue to feign sleep. It’s an easy feat really, one she’s practiced on many lovers in the past. She maintains steady breathing, avoids moving her eyes beneath her closed lids and most importantly remains impassive when she feels Lilith dip down to kiss the side of her face and when she hears a barely audible, _”happy birthday, my darling.”_ Whispered into to her ear; she stops herself from beaming. 

Wether Lilith falls for her act or not, she doesn’t make it known. The other witch simply throws the covers from over her legs, and from the lack of warmth next to her all of a sudden, Zelda knows she’s gotten out of bed. From the familiar sounds of her bare feet padding across the room, Zelda also knows Lilith was about to make her way to where her black dressing gown hung behind their bedroom door. That she would drape it over her shoulders, leaving her small feet bare as she makes her way downstairs. The only difference to Lilith’s usual morning routine, was that the brunette usually enjoyed waking her up as well. If only to tease her, which would lead to something more pleasurable than a lie in. The fact that Lilith hadn’t tried to coax her from her slumber this morning, only heightens Zelda’s suspicion that there was some kind of plan, definitely involving the rest of her family as well, in regards to her birthday. Which unfortunately was today. 

As Zelda listens, she waits until she’s sure Lilith has made it downstairs before slowly opening her eyes. The room is still dark, but given the time of year it was normal for it to stay dark longer in the morning. The sun was barely out in the Winter, it was quite fitting really that she was born at a time when the darkness overpowered the light. When Zelda felt particularly pessimistic, she wondered if that was why her life, although blessed with glimpses of happiness and light was forever shrouded in despair and hurt as well. And she would often fall into that well of sadness, clinging onto the hope that the light would return. It always did, in the form of her family; but when she was alone she often fell into her depression again. It was an ongoing struggle; one Zelda was sure she would be a slave to her whole life. 

Rolling on her side so she was facing Lilith’s vacated spot, Zelda sighs. Her pale hand reaches to smooth over where Lilith had been sleeping. She wishes she was still there, to hold and distract her from her melancholy over thinking. All that’s left is the distinct smell of her shampoo on the pillow case next to Zelda’s head. Something citrusy, but not too sweet; Zelda inhales deeply, before turning over again onto her back. She shuffles herself up so she’s leaning against the head board of the bed. Next to her on the bedside table there’s about a swig worth of brandy left in a glass from the night before. Without having to think about it she picks it up and finishes it off; the amber liquid burns at her throat. After placing the glass down again, she reaches for her smoking ring, also on the table, and fits it onto her index finger. But she frowns when she notices her pack of cigarettes isn’t on the bedside table. She glances over her shoulder towards the table next to Lilith’s side. Who she knew indulged in the habit from time to time. All that’s there however is a lamp, a book which looks like it’s seen better days and a tube of lipstick with a compact mirror next to it. Zelda’s frown only deepens as she removes her ring. There was no way she could face going downstairs without her morning cigarette.

Before she has time to get out of bed and have a proper look for her missing cigarettes, the bedroom door opens, startling her somewhat. Until she see’s Lilith using her hip to push the door open fully while her hands carry a tray. “What’s this?” Zelda asks, slumping back down against the headboard. 

Lilith just shakes her head and smirks, as she rounds the bed so she can place the tray, which has little wooden legs, over Zelda’s thighs. She sits on the edge of the bed closest, and arranges the assortment of breakfast passteeries that are plated up on the tray. “What does it look like?” Lilith replies sarcastically, motioning dramatically with her hands once she was done. “Breakfast in bed, because like it or not it’s your birthday and I plan to make _you_ queen for the day.” Lilith explains fondly, and Zelda feels herself blushing. She distracts herself by looking down at the food in front of her. Along with croissants, there’s toast and jam, fresh orange juice and black coffee. There was even an orchid in a vase, which was utterly unnecessary but Zelda appreciated the sentiment for once. 

“Thank you.” Zelda says as she reaches for the the coffee first. “You didn’t have to go to all the trouble. Like I’ve explained, birthdays mean very little to me.” She went on, before taking a sip of the hot liquid. 

“Careful, don’t burn your mouth.” Lilith reached for the cup, careful not to burn her hand as she moves it away from Zelda and places it back down. Usually it would irk Zelda, being treated like a child, but she was to tired to argue. “And it wasn’t any trouble. Your sister made the food, I just put it on the tray. But don’t worry you will have the pleasure of experiencing my culinary skills later on today.” Lilith laughs loudly, and Zelda can’t tell if she’s joking or not so she remains impassive. Slowly, the hand around the coffee cup moves, until it’s over Zelda’s next to the tray and Lilith’s laugher subsides. “Don’t worry, darling. Although I intend to make today special, I’d never do anything to make you feel uncomfortable. And neither would your family. We all just love you and want you to be happy.”

Zelda’s eyes widens, her mouth making an ‘o’ shape, as she focuses on what Lilith had just said. “What...what did you just say?” She whispers, a lump suddenly forming her her throat. 

Lilith looks confused. “What do you...” She trails off, and looks away bashfully when she realises her blunder. “ _Oh_...well,” she sighs, then shrugs her shoulders. “I wasn’t planning on saying that just yet, but hellfire, I’ve said it now.” She smiles at Zelda, her thumb drawing circles over the back of her hand. 

“Do you, do you mean it? Or was it a slip of the tongue?” Zelda asks, tears pooling behind her eyes. She feels vulnerable, like she’s standing on an edge of a cliff and her only hope of not falling were the next words from Lilith’s mouth. 

“I meant it.” The brunette admits softly without missing a beat. “I love you.” She adds, and Zelda releases a breath. Her eyes close for a second, savouring the moment; locking it away deep within her mind. 

Opening her eyes, she looks right at Lilith as she speaks. “I also love you.” She says firmly, letting got of her hand, just to bring it up to Lilith’s cheek, “very much.” Zelda’s finger trails the pronounced edge of Lilith’s cheekbone. 

Lilith places a hand over Zelda’s on her cheek, then moves it so she can kiss the inside of her palm, then drops her hand all together. “When did we become so cliche?” She jokes, and this time Zelda also laughs, dropping her hand and then shifting up higher on the bed. 

“Share this with me?” Zelda suggests, motioning at the food, then pats the empty space next to her on the bed. Lilith grins at her in that wolffish way that stirs feelings deep within Zelda, then hops off the bed and hurriedly makes her way over to the other side. 

Lilith doesn’t get under the covers, but she does snuggle up next to Zelda, pressing herself against her side and rests her head on her shoulder. “Whatever the birthday girl wants.” She says, reaching for a chocolate croissant, as Zelda knew she would. 

They eat in silence, comfortable enough with each other not to have to make inane small talk. Enjoying a quiet moment of calm, feeling safe and cosy as they ate. On one occasion Zelda even allows Lilith to feed her, which made them both giggle like children. By the time they’re both full, there was only once slice of toast left on the tray. “Urgh, I’ve not eaten so much for breakfast for a while.” Zelda groans, pushing the tray away until it reaches her knees. “I’ll have to go for a longer walk than usual today. Either that or refrain from lunch.” 

“You’ll do nothing if the sort.” Lilith snaps next to her. She sits up, and reaches for the tray. “Don’t be so ridiculous, Zelda. You have a perfect figure. Besides like I’ve had to remind you countless times it’s-

“It’s my birthday, I know. You can stop reminding me.” Zelda interrupts petulantly, as she crossed her arms. 

Lilith huffs, “well then, I’ll just take this down and you can have an extra long lie in, rather than a walk. Just relax, okay? The world isn’t going to come crashing down if you take it easy for one day.” She says as she stands up with the tray in her hands. She shifts to balance it with just one, as she grabs the orchid in its vase and places it on the bedside table. “It occurred to me that I didn’t know what your favourite flower is, so I picked one that reminds me of you instead.”

Zelda glances at the flower, “so why an orchid?” She asks curiously. There was nothing particularly special about the plant. Infact there were many other flowers, prettier ones, that Lilith could of chosen.

“They are easily distinguishable.” Lilith explains plainly, admiring the plant and then Zelda. 

Zelda scoffs, “now I know you’re simply trying to flatter me.” 

“Why would you think that? I’m telling the truth. Even before we began, well _this.”_ Lilith motions between them. “Even back when we were enemies, you were easily the person that stood out to me the most in a room. I can’t explain why, you just did and still do, very naturally. And that’s why I picked out an orchid for you.” 

Zelda still isn’t sure if she believes her. Her mother had always told her there was nothing special about her. That her nose was to big and her frame lanky. The only redeeming quality she had, or so her mother thought had been her hair. Red hair represented being touched by hellfire; a sign of a faithful witch. Which was ironic considering she had turned her back on Satan now. “Would you like to know what I’d pick for you?” Zelda asks, steering the conversation away from herself. A tactic she usually turned to when self conscious. 

Looking down at her Lilith nods. “Go on then, pray tell.”

Zelda looks up at her self assured in her decision. “An azalea, they represent passion but have very fragile petals. More so than other flowers.” She says, watching as Lilith just stares at her expressionless. Her self confidence at her choice starts to dwindle away.

“You consider me fragile?” She asks, sounding disgusted and hurt at the same time. 

“Haven’t we already agreed that we both are?” Zelda counters back. “Although I seem to be the only one trying to remedy this.” The last part was unnecessary, and definetly uncalled for.

Lilith’s eyes narrow. “We agreed on many things. One being that we can both deal with our traumatic experiences whatever way we see fit. Just because I don’t wish to talk about it with anyone, doesn’t mean I don’t want to fix it.” She seethes, and Zelda can tell she’s trying to stop herself from raising her voice. She should be grateful it was her birthday, or she doubts Lilith would remain so calm. 

“I don’t want to argue, I’m sorry for saying anything.” Zelda tries quickly, because there was no use in discussing the topic. They were both as stubborn as each other and it would just go round in circles. Pushing down the covers, Zelda moves to swing her legs over the side of the bed, they bump against Lilith’s who’s still standing with the tray. Zelda grasps around her hips, “please, Lilith. Forget I said anything.” She persists, looking up, “and you’re not a azalea, you’re a red rose. Stunning and strong.” 

Lilith hesitates before putting the tray back down on the bed. She then turns to Zelda, and positions herself so she’s standing between her legs and wraps her forearms over her shoulders. “That sounds more like it.” Lilith smiles, referring to the choice in flower. “And I don’t want to argue either. Never, ever, again with you.” She says before dropping her head down to capture Zelda’s lips with her own. “But please don’t bring _that_ up again.” Her voice was dark and low, after separating from Zelda. “I wear Satan’s scars, on my body, while his words scar my mind. I don’t want to give him any more of my time.” 

Zelda wants to say she feels the same about Faustus, but doing nothing while still suffering from nightmares and other triggers is just as bad as talking about it. Instead she just nods. “We don’t need to waste any more of my birthday discussing this.” She says, choosing her words carefully. She would leave it for today. 

“Oh, so does this mean you’re getting into the spirit of things?” Lilith teases, giving Zelda an Eskimo kiss with her nose. “Because today will quite possibly be your best birthday yet.”

“It already is.” Zelda blurts out, then smiles as she pulls Lilith down on top of her. “But I can think of one or two ways to be certain.” She whispers into Lilith’s ear. Knowing full well she would die for the woman in her arms; and that one day she would help her exorcise her own demons.

When Lilith suddenly reverses their position, by rolling onto her back and pulling Zelda with her, the tray next to them crashes to the floor. “Shhh, be quiet.” Zelda groans, straddling Lilith while the other witch tries to suppress her giggling. The last thing she needed was a family member finding her like this. 

“No ones going to come, don’t worry.” Lilith says quietly beneath her, pushing at the straps of Zelda’s chemise. “Well actually I hope that’s not the case with what I have planned.” She adds seductively, making Zelda quiver in anticipation. 

Pushing her hair behind her back, she presses her whole weight over Lilith, then leans down to kiss her. Just before reaching her lips, she pauses to speak. “If you truly wish for this birthday to be bearable, I suggest you stop talking about what you’re going to do, and _show_ me.” 

Lilith gasps, just as she presses her lips against hers; all thought of past hurt forgotten in that moment.


	6. You Disappear Without A Sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zelda receives an unexpected gift as her birthday goes on. Then the dark reality of Lilith’s past comes to the surface once again, only this time Zelda is determined that she do something about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter so soon? You can tell I’m getting excited for the series finale in a few days.

“Surprise!” An array of voices shout all at once. For a brief moment Zelda bristles, only for Lilith’s comforting hand on the small of her back grounding her, and easing the tension in her body. After two glorious orgasms, Lilith had insisted she go back to sleep and that she would come wake her, once it was time to get ready. Thankfully she had been true to her word and warned her that there would be multiple people downstairs. Her family, a scattering of hedge witches and of course some of her students from the academy whom she adored. The heads up also meant, she actually got dressed and put on her armour of makeup, rather than showing up in her more casual attire that she wore at home.

Zelda’s dark red lips morphed into a tight smile, as everyone in the kitchen stared at her expectantly. She catches Sabrina and Ambrose sharing apprehensive looks at each other; knowing how much she disliked frivolity like this. While her sister just looked smug, as she held out a glass of what she suspected was champagne. Stepping more into the room, Lilith never once removing her hand from her back, she took the glass from Hilda. “Thank you,” she mutters at her sister, before turning her attention to everyone else. “Really, thank you everyone. This is simply marvellous.” She says a little louder, and trying to sound as enthusiastic as possible. She doesn’t know what else to say, but as always Hilda comes to her rescue.

“Well it’s not every day you turn...uhm, well never mind.” Hilda laughs, when Zelda glares at her. Having her age outed to everyone they knew wasn’t something she wanted. Even if she did look like any middle aged mortal woman, she had been alive for decades; a fact she didn’t like to dwell on. “Anyway come on Zelds, we’ve prepared a feast, and there’re presents to be opened. Not to mention Sabrina and Lilith’s little surprise.” She motions with her head towards Sabrina, who suddenly turns towards the oven. Zelda steps forward curiously, until her niece turns around dramatically, holding onto a plate that had the messiest looking chocolate cake she’d ever seen on it.

Sabrina smiles, “tadaah!” She announces proudly, as she places the cake down on the table. “I know Aunt Hilda usually bakes the cakes, but I wanted to try this year, with Lilith’s help.” She explains.

From behind her Lilith steps closer, “see I told you you’d experience my culinary skills.” She says, pressing on the small of Zelda’s back to guide her towards the cake. Prudence looks amused, and she says something to Ambrose which makes him stifle a laugh as well. Probably a sarcastic comment about the cake, which could of easily been perfected by magick.

“Go on then ‘Brina, cut your aunt the first slice.” Hilda suggests. As Sabrina grabs a knife to do just that, Zelda suddenly feels tension rise within her again. It’s not the knife that makes her feel uncomfortable, but the way she feels everyone’s eyes on her. And knowing that in a few seconds she would be expected to eat a piece of cake with everyone watching. Eating in front of her family was one thing, but thanks to some of the humiliating things Faustus’s had made her do with food, along with his constant berated commentary over her weight; the thought fills her with dread. Hilda wouldn’t know this, she hadn’t mentioned it yet. Zelda starts to panic, feels her chest rise and fall quickly.

But just as Sabrina finishes plating up the slice, Lilith walks straight past Zelda towards it. She picks up the cake and takes a big bite of it. “Sorry but after all the work we put into this, I think me and Sabrina deserve first dibs.” She says with a mouthful of chocolate cake.

Sabrina looks shocked, then glances at Zelda who shakes her head, “that’s fine by me. Infact everyone help yourselves. I’ll save a slice for later.” She smiles at everyone, then walks towards Lilith. As eveyone starts to pick at the food and chatter away aimlessly, she approaches Lilith. There’s some chocolate frosting on the corner of her mouth. Zelda grins and uses her finger to wipe it away. “Thank you.” She mouths quietly.

Lilith frowns, “I have no idea what you’re taking about.” She lies, but Zelda knows it’s to make her feel better. “I just wanted some cake.” She adds with a wink.

“Uhm, Ms. Spellman.” A timid sounding voice stops Zelda from responding. Turning around she’s faced with a nervous looking Elspeth. She’s holding something wrapped in black tissue paper, and keeps biting her bottom lip.

“Yes, Elspeth?” Zelda starts aloofly, earning her a nudge from behind from Lilith, so she sighs before trying again in a softer tone. “Is that a gift for me?” She asks, looking down at the small object in the girls hand.

“Y-yes...I...yes it’s a gift for you.” The young witch stutters out, as she holds out the present in question. Zelda smiles and places her champagne glass down before taking the present from Elspeth.

Zelda takes her time to unwrap the paper, there’s a small card with it which reads, - _To Ms. Spellman, happy Birthday from Elspeth. Thank you for everything you’ve done for us. X._

Zelda pockets the card, then continues to unwrap the gift. She gets to a small box, then opens it. Her eyes scrutinise the object, then soften when she realises what it is. Inside the box is a Victorian era looking emerald broach, with a gold frame around it. “Oh, Elspeth. You really shouldn’t of. Thank you so much, dear.” Zelda exclaims as she pulls the jewellery from the box.

“It’s nothing, really. I uhm, I just know you like Victorian things. And Sabrina might of mentioned it was your favourite era so, yeah. I guess I thought you’d like it. Obviously you don’t have to wear it. I’m sure you have so many nicer broaches than that.” Elspeth’s continued stuttering only makes Zelda think more fondly of her.

“And why of earth wouldn’t I want to wear this magnificent piece of jewellery?” She retorts, already in the process of pinning it onto her velvet dress, over her breast bone. After she’s done she places a hand on Elspeth’s shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “Thank you.” She says again. “Now go eat some cake before Lilith eats it all.”

“I heard that.” Lilith quips from behind her, and Elspeth nods with a smile, before going to find a paper plate. Zelda adjusts the broach, then turns around again back to Lilith. She picks up her discarded champagne glass and takes a small sip.

Lilith grins at her just as she finishes the cake. Then continues to look at her strangely, until Zelda can’t take it. “What?!” She blurts, causing a few people to look in their direction for a second.

“Oh, nothing.” Lilith starts to say, sucking some frosting off of her thumb. “It’s just the way you get around the students, and how they are around you.” She comments casually.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Zelda says quickly, then takes another sip of the gold liquid in her glass.

“Come on, Zelda your dote on the younger members of this Coven. Maternal instincts come so naturally to you, even without trying.” Lilith explains, as she approaches Zelda and lifts a finger to smooth over the broach on her chest. “And they practically worship you. Especially the witches, you’re like an icon to them, someone to look up to. It’s sweet, even more so that you don’t see it.”

“Don’t be so ridiculous.” Zelda huffs annoyed. “I’ve never been a mother for starters and as for them looking up to me. I think they fear me, and that’s why they are nervous around me, like poor Elspeth was just now.” She says, a little sadly. She hadn’t always been the stern woman she now was. When she was a teenage witch herself, even in her twenties, she had been fun and carefree.

The hand on the broach moves to just below Zelda’s chin. “You’re certainly a mother to Sabrina. And undoubtedly a mother figure to other orphaned students.” She says.

“No that would be my sister.” Zelda argues back weakly. “She’s the soft one, not me.”

Lilith’s tuts under her breath, “I beg to differ. She’s definitely another mother to Sabrina, but she isn’t at the Academy like you. The students don’t see her as often, but they see you and they aren’t scared of you, darling.”

Zelda looks down to her feet, but the fingers under her chin urges her to keep looking up. “Do you really think so?” She asks quietly.

“I know so.” Lilith reassures her.

* * *

“Lilith, wake up!” Zelda practically shrieks for the third time. She’d woken up when the woman next her had kicked her hard in her sleep. There’d be a bruise on her left calf by the morning. “Please, wake up you’re dreaming!” She tries again, but Lilith’s eyes remain screwed shut, as she thrashes about on the bed. Sitting on her knees on the mattress, Zelda tries to think what to do next. Waking Lilith up abruptly or with physical force usually ended badly. She remembers the last time she tried that and ended up slapped across the face. But then leaving her trapped within her subconscious seemed cruel.

With no other choice, she leans forward and wraps her fingers around Lilith’s wrists, and forces them either side of her head. At least this way she wouldn’t get smacked in the face again. “LILITH WAKE UP!” She shouts even louder than before, right over her face this time. And she gets the desired affect. Lilith’s eyes flutter open and Zelda sighs in relief. It’s short lived though, when she see’s that Lilith is staring at her blankly. As if she’s not truly awake. “Lil- she starts to say her name, when she’s abruptly shoved off the bed so hard, that Lilith must of used magick.

“Get away from me!” Lilith screams as Zelda is practically lifted into the air then pushed by something invisible until her whole body crashes into the bedside table, and then tumbles onto the hardwood floor. She groans in pain, and isn’t able to move for a minute as the wind is knocked out of her.

After getting her breathing back to normal, Zelda feels something wet and hot dribble down her forhead. She lifts a hand up to investigate and when she pulls it back, she see’s blood. “Zelda?” She hears Lilith say her name, and she quickly tries to wipe at the cut on her head. She must of banged her head quite hard, because the spell to fix it fails to work for her.

“It’s okay, you just had another nightmare.” Zelda explains as she pushes herself up from the ground. She manages to get herself up onto the bed and sits with her back towards Lilith.

“Did...did I hurt you?” Lilith asks, but doesn’t move from her place in the bed.

“Not on purpose.” Zelda replies, there was no use in lying. “I think I hit my heads against the vase when I was pushed off the bed.” She looks down on the floor and sees it smashed into pieces, the orchid Lilith had gifted her the day before lying pathetically on the floor.

Zelda feels the bed move, and Lilith is sitting next to her all of a sudden. “Let me see.” She urges as she tries to push Zelda’s hair away from her face. “Please I...oh shit, Zelda I’m so sorry!” Lilith cries, when she finally gets a good view of the injury. “Let me clean it up for you.” She suggests as she tries to look closer.

“It’s nothing!” Zelda shouts as she struggles away, swating Lilith’s hands from her face. “It’s just a scratch, I don’t need to be coddled. Let me get my bearings and I’ll heal it with magick.” She says, as she scoots away from Lilith.

“But Zelda I-

“No. I told you I’m fine.” Zelda interups, looking at Lilith and trying to ignore the droplets of blood over her forhead. She could already feel a headache coming on. “There’s only one thing I need you to do for me.” She says.

Lilith nods frantically, “anything, what do you need?”

Zelda’s brows knit together, but she feels more determined than ever. “I need you to talk to me, or someone...about Lucifer.”

Lilith’s stands abruptly, avoiding the glass on the floor she starts to pace back and forth. “I can’t do that.”

Zelda gets up and stands right in front of her to stop her movements. “How much longer can we keep going on like this? You’re nightmares are turning violent. What if one day you do more than push me off the bed, what then?”

“Zelda, please.” Lilith whines, “I can’t.”

“If you can’t do this for me, then we can’t go on. It’s not healthy.” Zelda tries to stay strong, but even she can’t believe the words coming out of her mouth. “If not for us then for yourself, I urge you to get help. Even I found it absurd to begin with, I felt embarrassed about talking about my past. But it does help, and I know it will make you feel better as well.” She tries to hold onto one of Lilith’s hands, but the witch yanks it away.

“I said _no_.” She hisses darkly, before storming out of the room in her silk nightgown.

Zelda stuffs a hand into her mouth to stop herself from crying out loud. Then after composing herself she mutters an incantation that vanishes away the cut on her forehead.

She stares at the mess on the floor, then uses another spell to clean it up; wishing it was just as easy to fix everything that had just happened. Not only that, she wishes she could vanish away all of the abuse that Lilith had endured at the hands of Lucifer.


	7. No More Dreaming Of The Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilith finally opens up to Zelda. They both find some closure.

As soon as she’s out of the bedroom, Lilith feels foolish; knows she’s overreacted and wants to go back to Zelda. But her pride makes her carry on down the stairs until she finds herself in the foyer. It’s empty, and dark and without any of the Spellman’s around it doesn’t feel right. As if their very presence bring the old fashioned house to life somehow. She glances towards the kitchen, but ultimately decides to walk straight out the front door. The frigid night air hits her all at once. In her haste she forgot to grab her dressing gown or even slippers for her bare feet. If anyone were to see her like this they’d think she’d lost her mind; standing in nothing but a knee length chemise, outdoors in the middle of winter. At least the fresh air manages to calm her racing mind somewhat. She takes a deep breath then exhales loudly as she makes her way to the wooden sun chair Zelda favoured, when she smoked in the sun. The image that comes to mind of her copper haired lover, basking in the summer heat, wearing her vintage sunglasses makes Lilith smile for a second. Until she remembers what just transpired between them; the memory makes her frown as she finally slumps herself down on the chair.

It’s not that she doesn’t want to talk to Zelda about her past. Quite the opposite really, she wishes she could be open and honest with her; but her time as Lucifer’s right hand woman was dark, toxic and something she’d rather forget about all together. Even though she knew denial was hardly the healthiest of choices, it beat having to ever think about _him_ again. Hell, she’d wasted so much time doing nothing else but imagine a life by Lucifers side already. Giving him any more of it was like admitting he would always have a macabre hold on her. Surely giving him no conscious thought would infuriate him more than re telling the tales of his constant and unrelenting abuse. 

Lilith chuckles bitterly under her breath, who was she kidding? She could convince herself it was all bad all she wanted, but it wasn’t; not in the beginning. Not during those early days while she nursed the fallen angel back to health. He needed her then, would curl up in her arms as she whispered soothing words and kept him from slipping away. It was those moments she clung to, when he as being particularly cruel. Hoping that one day he would look at her and actually remember who she was and everything she had meant to him once upon a time. He never did; but she couldn’t let him go. And so she stayed at his side, ever the dutiful concubine. “Pathetic.” She spits out into the darkness, and she winces as she thinks of the doormat like figure he’d made her into before she finally saw the light. 

“I don’t want to disturb you, but it’s cold and I thought you might appreciate this.” A low voice startles Lilth back to the here and now. She looks towards where the sound had come from and is greeted by the sight of Zelda, holding a fleeced blanket, (the one that usually covered their bed sheets.) The light from indoors casts a glow around Zelda’s form, making her look like an ethereal goddess; not that she needed much help. Lilith had not been lying when she said that Zelda stood out among crowds. It wasn’t just about her looks, it was her whole aura; it was unlike anything Lilith had ever encountered. Even when they weren’t friendly; she enjoyed their verbal sparring matches just to spend some time in Zelda’s presence. 

“I didn’t hear you come outside.” Lilith replies, not really knowing what else to say. The cut on Zelda’s head has vanished, she notices; feeling a pang of guilt for hurting her. It hadn’t been intentional, but that wasn’t the point. The idea of anyone, let alone herself, harming Zelda in any way made her feel physically sick. 

Zelda offers a small smile, “that much is clear.” She says quietly, before looking away and towards the graveyard that surrounded the house. “I heard you say something as I came out, don’t tell me you’ve started speaking to the dead.” She half jokes, then peels her eyes away from the scenery and back to Lilith. “You must be freezing, please take this.” She steps forward again, this time holding out the blanket with a worried expression on her face. “I’ll leave you alone, but I don’t want you sitting out here without something to keep you warm.” 

Lilith’s nods and reaches for the blanket. “Thanks.” She mumbles, as she pulls it over her shoulders. Her small body practically drowns beneath the fabric, but she feels better almost instantly. The warmth along with the lingering smell of their bed, is enough to bring her comfort. She watches Zelda start to retreat back to the house. Keeping her word, and leaving her to her own devices. “Wait!” She calls over, and Zelda pauses. “You don’t have to go, stay.” She insists, as she motions towards the empty seat next to her. She’d never noticed one there before. “I’d really like you to stay actually.” She adds, looking back up towards Zelda.

Zelda hesitates, “are you sure? You don’t have to say that if you’d rather be alone.” She says, and Lilith can sense her uncertainty. She feels terrible that Zelda would ever think that her presence was unwanted. In actual fact Lilith would spend every waking moment with her, given the choice. 

“I’m sure,” she answers honestly with a smile and it’s all it takes for Zelda to relax and walk over to the spare chair. She wipes away some dust with her hand, before sitting down. She’s put on her black fur coat over her night dress and has slippers on her feet. It makes Lilith realise that she’d wanted an invitation to stay outside and had come prepared. 

It’s silent for a moment, and calm. The dead night air soothing both of them both it would seem. What had just happened upstairs feels like a lifetime ago and Lilith knew if she didn’t bring it up then Zelda would more than likely not force the topic out of her again. But she knew deep down that the other witch was right, that she couldn’t go on avoiding the issue anymore. So she gathers her thoughts, just as she hears Zelda fumble into the pocket of her coat for her pack of cigarettes. Once it’s lit and Zelda takes a deep drag from it, she finally speaks. 

“When I was cast out of Eden I thought my life was over.” She speaks slowly, not wanting to miss any detail. When she pauses Zelda doesn’t cut across her, just allows her to do this at her own pace and for that she’s grateful. Keeping her eyes firmly on the landscape before them, she continues. “I had no hope. I was alone and frightened. I was sure I would be wondering the outskirts of paradise until I shrivelled up and died of starvation or exposure. But then one day I found _him_ and I just thought that if I was going to die, then if I was able to do one good deed at least, then perhaps when the inevitable happened I’d at least be saved and not end up in some hellish limbo.” She chuckles at that last part. The irony that she’d wanted to go to Heaven back then. “Once I inspected his wounds I could tell he was a fallen angel. Knew that he must of done something terrible for the false God to of ripped his wings from him and doomed him to live on earth. When I realised that I felt a sort of kinship to him, we had both been abandoned by our creator. So I wanted to help him more than before, and I did. He told me time and time again that without my help he would of perished. It made me feel important, and in time I fell in love as ridiculous as that is.” She wipes away a tear from her eye, as she recalled those early days with Lucifer when it seemed as if they were the only two people on the planet. 

“Here,” Lilith turns to Zelda and sees her holding out a handkerchief. She takes it, and their fingers brush. “Go on.” Zelda encourages, as she leans back into her chair and puffs out some smoke. 

“Well you know the rest, everyone does.” She says after dabbing the cloth against her eyes. “He made me powerful, gave me the gift of magick and made me into his faithful concubine. But he also promised that one day I would be his equal because I was the person who saved him. And it was that promise that I clung on to each time he...” She falters, and grimaces. Then takes a deep breath. “Each time he was cruel, or violent or made me do things that I was not comfortable with. With every slap I would disassociate and think of healing him, every kick and I would remember the first time we made love and how gentle he was and when he mocked me or told me how useless I was I’d remember that no matter what I was the woman who saved him, and no one could ever take my place. That deep down he loved me as much as I loved him and we had that connection that couldn’t be broken. I was so focused at my end goal of becoming the queen of hell that I lost track of who I really was, I lost the real me.” Lilith scrunches the handkerchief in her hand angrily, there was no use trying to rid the tears now, they fell freely from her her eyes with each admission. She feels a hand at her wrist, and realises that Zelda has stumped out her cigarette and was sitting at the very edge of her seat just so she could offer her some small comfort. 

“You’re still you, perhaps not physically but deep inside you’re the same person you were before you met Lucifer Morningstar.” Zelda says, as her thumb makes idle circles over Lilith’s wrist. 

“I wish that was true, but how can it be? The person I was then would never of allowed herself to be used like that. The very reason I was replaced by Eve was due to my defiance against being Adam’s property. I wanted equality and that was that and it almost cost me my life. It’s almost laughable, I basically became the woman the false God had intended me to be in the first place, but with a different man. Loyal, dutiful and most importantly subservient.” 

“You may think that, but everything you did whilst with Satan was born from love, even if it was misplaced, it was real to you. And even witches like us are known to be blinded by our emotions. The important thing is that you’re able to look back and realise how misogynistic and empty he truly was. He made himself into an anti-Christ figure that we all thought was worth idolising, not just you. I myself was devout in my adoration of him, and almost...almost gave him my body, even though I had no desire to do so, on the Eve of my wedding just to prove my unyielding loyalty.” 

Lilith shivers as though someone just walked over her grave at that information. It hadn’t occurred to her that Zelda’s devotion had led her to almost...she flinches unable to finish that train of thought. Her hand unconsciously grasps onto Zelda’s for dear life. “I’m sorry.” She whispers, unable to look Zelda in the eye. 

“Why?” 

“I don’t know I just am.” Lilith answers, the laughs bitterly. “The thought of you being hurt by him and knowing what Faustus did to you...I’m just sorry that anything bad ever happened to you. I wish I could make it all go away.” 

Zelda scoffs, “you’re not responsible for any of that, and therefore I will not accept your apology.” 

Lilith wants to argue the point again, but leaves it. When she finally looks at Zelda she can tell she will not be moved in the matter. “So now what? I’ve said some of my piece. I know you want more but I don’t think I can manage that right now.” 

“You only need to say what you feel like saying. When I speak to Hilda I sometimes share very little and other days I speak for hours. It all depends on the day.” Zelda explains, “but I’m grateful that you finally feel comfortable enough to begin speaking to me so openly about the things which haunt you.” 

“Well then perhaps the next time you see your sister I can tag along. Or even if you want to that is, you can talk to me instead of her sometimes?” Lilith ventures. She knows that Zelda is close with her sister, that Hilda would always be her best friend and person she trusts more than anyone. She wasn’t jealous, it was adorable really the way they relied on each other. But she hopes that she can at least share this bond with Zelda. 

“Nothing would make me happier.” Zelda responds happily, and Zelda can’t help but smile at her. She already felt lighter than she had a few hours ago and she’d only shared very little. Maybe Zelda was right, that talking really did help. 

“So what now then?” 

Zelda sighs, before getting up and pulling Lilith up to stand with her by the hand. “Now my back aches from sitting outside in the cold, and I can’t think of anything better than getting back into bed with you.”

“Zelda, are you saying you want to snuggle me?” Lilith teases, pulling her in closer. 

Zelda pulls a face at the suggestion, but Lilith knows it’s an act. “If that’s what you want to call it.” 

Leaning in close, Lilith places a soft kiss onto Zelda’s lips. It’s not deep or passionate; just a quiet confirmation of her feelings. 

With that they both head back to bed, and yes it was clear Zelda wanted to snuggle. Lilith wraps her arms around her from behind, and holds onto her small frame and they both fall into a dreamless sleep. With not one single nightmare between them.


End file.
